By: John The Violator
Not many people know this about me, but a few years ago I was viciously molested. I’m not talking about the nice kind of mild molestation that although uncomfortable can be enjoyable if you close your eyes and think of a happy place. I’m talking about the kind of molestation that you can only find in Wisconsin, or parts of the deep south, you know, that “go home and rock back and forth on the floor of your shower” molestation… Anyway here is my story.
Two years ago I was working at a popular burger joint in South Minneapolis. The place hasn’t been remodeled since the late 1970’s except for a couple of plasma screen televisions. The booths, wall paper, bar, and menu are all original. The place doesn’t have to change because it has been a staple in the neighborhood for almost 3 decades. Since the late 1970’s this restaurant has won the award for the best burger in the Twin Cities. There are fifty some plaques on the wall displaying all of the achievements of the past 30 years.
I had been hired there as a bus boy but quickly moved my way up to head “chef”. I could sling burgers with the best of them, and I truly enjoyed doing so. About 2 months into my tenure as Burger Chef, a strange lady started coming in and sitting at the bar next to my grill. I never did get her name, but due to the subject content of her conversations I have referred to her as The Burger Groupie. Burger Groupie wasn’t the cutest girl on the block and she had a slight drinking problem, but she seemed harmless and since she spent so much time at the bar, we quickly became acquaintances. Burger Groupie used to say things to me like “I see all of YOUR awards on the wall”. I would tell her that those plaques weren’t for me, but rather the restaurant as a whole. I would constantly remind her that most of the awards were won before I was even born. She would tell me that the chef is responsible for the success of a restaurant, then she would tell me that she liked the way that I looked in my apron. I didn’t think much of it because Burger Groupie was always drunk and obviously like most women she had a small crush on me.
One day Burger Groupie came and sat at the bar next to my grill and began to rant and rave about how she would go home everyday and tweak her nipples thinking about me….. I know that this sounds strange, but for some reason at that moment I needed to enter the Burger Groupie. I don’t know what it was about the way that she slurred the words “nipple tweak”, but something inside of me clicked. I told her that she was in luck because I was in the middle of a pussy drought and I would love for her to be my slump buster.
Later on that night, after my shift I went over to BG’s apartment to knock the bottom out of it. We sat around for a couple of hours talking about nuclear proliferation and the world economy. After we finished our bottle of wine she invited me into the bedroom where she laid me down on the bed. She put a blindfold on me and went into the bathroom to slip into something more comfortable.
I laid in the bed for what must have been 10 minutes and just as I was taking off my blindfold to find out what was taking so long I saw him! Homeless Wayne Brady! Homeless Wayne Brady is a homeless guy who looks like Wayne Brady. Not a very clever name, but Homeless Wayne Brady wasn’t exactly deserving of a great nickname. Before I could scream Homeless WB shot me with a poison dart that knocked me clean out.
When I woke up I was tied to an old radiator in the living room. Burger Groupie and Homeless Wayne Brady were sitting on the couch naked eating fried chicken and laughing hysterically at me. The were mocking me with comments like “Hey Burger Boy” and “Hold the pickles, Burger Boy” or my personal favorite “I said medium rare Burger Boy”.
I didn’t know what in the fuck to do. I kept thinking to myself that I had just come over to knock the dust off of some weird old chick and all of the sudden I am tied up in a small apartment. I didn’t know how long I would be tied up, or if I would ever be able to see my family and friends again. After about 2 days of being tied up, I decided that I needed to plan an escape. I waited until HWB to go out to make his daily crack purchase and when he was gone I asked BG to turn up the heat on the radiator.
I had seen an old episode of MacGyver and I knew that if I heated up the rope that bound my hands enough I could burn through the fibers and release my hands. After my hands were free I could untie my feet and get the fuck out of dodge.
I sat for what must have been 15 to 20 minutes. I held my hands behind my back and raised the rope towards the grille of the radiator. BG had been drinking all night and she stumbled as she came into the living room. She was butt ass naked and her nipples were red from all of the nipple tweaking she had been doing for the past two days. Her hands were greasy from the fried chicken that her and Homeless WB had been stuffing their mouths with. She started talking to me and I tried to calm my excitement as to not give away my plan of escaping. I tried to keep my mind off of the burning sensation that I was feeling in my wrists and hands as the radiator slowly burnt through the rope that tightly bound my arms behind my back. I kept thinking about all of the fried chicken that they had been eating. It was like they had the ghost of Colonel fucking Sanders in the kitchen doing nothing but mixin up his secret recipe. My mind wandered and I thought to myself that this explained why she never ate a burger when she came into the restaurant. As I thought to myself the rope must have been burning becasue after about 45 seconds of day dreaming I felt a great deal of pressure release from my wrists. I didn’t want to get caught so I tried desperately not to separate my hands until BG left the room, or passed out.
BG sat on the couch for a few minutes throwing chicken bones at me, and making me stare at her taint, but eventually she got up to go to the bathroom. For the past two days she had a case of the greasy chicken shits that could gag a maggot. Luckily for me she usually spent the better part of a morning on the can. I heard the bathroom door slam and I waited for the familiar squirt sound that signaled that she was in it for the long haul.
I heard her moan and I reached my hands in front of my body and began to reach toward the rope that tied my feet together. I quickly unbound my feet and made my final escape.
As I ran down the stairs leading to her shabby 3rd story apartment I met HWB about half way down the first flight of stairs. I could tell that he was cracked out, but I decided to stick him with a left cross as I ran by him. I knocked him clean out and I watched as his homeless body fell down the stairs in front of me. I opened the door and ran out into the street and took a deep breath of fresh air; I was free!
Eventually Burger Groupie and Homeless Wayne Brady were arrested and charged with their crimes against me. I still can’t get the images of BG tweaking her nipples and HWB masturbating and eating chicken out of my head, but I am slowly but surely making progress.
-Fin
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