Top 10 Reasons that Paul Shaffer Sucks Balls

paul.jpg

By:  John The Violator

10)  His jingles aren’t really jingles, but merely the same phrase repeated over and over again in increasing tempo.

9)  It’s the Late Show and he is wearing sun glasses, who does he think he is Corey Hart? 

8)  He hosted a show on VH1 which had a celebrity host by the name of Kevin Bacon, can you say 1 degree of shittiness? 

 7)  No original material.  Anybody can play poppy watered down versions of old Beach Boys songs. 

6)  The way he keeps his left hand raised in the air makes him look more like a bull rider in the gay rodeo then a keyboardist.

5)  The price of talcum powder has went up 25 cents a gram since Shaffer joined the Late Show in 1982, the reflection of studio lighting off of his bald shiny head is the #1 reason for the price increase. 

4)  Kevin Eubanks the leader of the Tonight Show Band makes Paul Shaffer look like Ray Stevens.

3)  Gives “Shit eating grin” a bad name.

2)  He’s Canadian!*

1)  Wears so much self tanner, my TV screen is permanently stained orange. 

 *Just kidding, I love you Canada.

2 Comments

  1. he majorly sucks; not funny, comments are stupid, and always comes off as a big deuce.

  2. (I know this is a really old post, but I’m bored, so I’m responding) I agree with you completely about Paul, but please, if you’re going to post a list of why someone else sucks, have someone else check your grammar, because then you end up looking like a “deuce”, too….(although I’m pretty sure the word your friend Tim was looking for is “douche”, since “deuce” is in no way a derogatory word or ever used as an insult. )

    A few tips so you can look more intelligent:

    1. He looks more like a gay bullrider THAN a keyboardist. Your use of the word “then” makes it read as if he became a keyboardist after he was a gay bullrider.
    2. The price of talcum has “gone” up. Not “went”. No.
    3. Please don’t insult the memory of Ray Stevens by comparing him to a hack like Paul. Ray had more talent in his discarded toenails than Shaffer has ever had or ever will. If Paul didn’t have Letterman’s coattails to ride on, he’d be selling corn dogs on some midway somewhere.


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