Guest Writer

Due to an overwhelming demand I have decided to inact a “Guest Writer Program” on my site.  This is not the same a granting amnesty, but it is sure to impact the Republican Party none the less. 

 The following was submitted by one of my good friends.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Bobby Flay: American Hero

By Stunt Fingerz

It came to my attention yesterday that some of the people in this great nation of ours do not know who Bobby Flay is. I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but it is true. For me, it hit really close to home yesterday when my own girlfriend said she was not familiar with Robert “Bobby” William Flay, the greatest chef of our generation. Because of this, I think it’s vital that I introduce him to the uninitiated.           

Bobby Flay was born on October 9^th, 1964 in New York City where he still lives today. At the ripe young age of 3 he made his first grilled cheese and got a glimpse of the world he was about to change. By the age of 10 he had already created dishes such as Piquillo Peppers filled with Salmon Tartare and Lemon Oil. Flay was nothing short of a child prodigy.            

The awkward years were hard on Flay as he tried to adapt to girls and teenage angst. He dropped out of high school at 16 and started working on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. However, the financial arena did not satisfy his hunger the way that the Iron Chef Arena could. He started working as a cook at Joe Allen Restaurant and impressed Joe Allen with his natural cooking skills so much that Joe paid his tuition at the French Culinary Institute. There, he graduated in the first class and began to hone in on his genius.            

Flay was now ready to take on the world; however he was still missing a piece to his cooking repertoire. That is where Jonathan Waxman, a restaurateur, schooled Flay on the world of southwest cooking. Now Flay was armed with a spatula and dripping with a sweet glaze known as “knowledge”.           

He started as the executive chef for Miracle Grill in Manhattan and then opened up his own Mesa Grill which has now become the Mecca of southwest grilling. With all this success came a lot of attention especially from women. Flay became somewhat of a womanizer and married Debra Ponzek, a well known chef. In 1993, an incident involving a burned Château Briand forced Flay to divorce Debra and seek his true life partner. He then married Kate Connelly but dropped her like a hot skillet a year later after finding out she did not like honey (Flay’s secret ingredient in every dish). However, the third time was a charm and he was set up with a blind date by Law and Order SVU star Mariska Hargitay with her co-star Stephanie March. The two hit it off immediately like meat and potatoes. Flay had initially impressed the actress with his Oven-Braised Lamb Shanks with Toasted Orzo but it was the sweet smell of matrimony that made her say yes when he proposed to her while ice skating at Rockefeller Center.            

Now that Bobby’s personal life was complete he could take over the air waves. His plan was to monopolize the world of Cooking Television. He started off with “Grillin’ and Chillin’” a show that would showcase his skills on the grill as well as behind the bar. His Sangria would quickly become the most sought-after libation on the Eastern Seaboard. However, one show was not enough to satisfy his thirst for TV immortality. He then started cranking out new shows every few months. “Hot off the Grill with Bobby Flay” was a chance to give the audience more than just the “skillz”. This show would also illustrate how to have a sweet-ass pad with a hot wife as Flay would cook for his wife in their backyard. After that came “Foodnation” which was arguably his worst received show. The show limited Flay’s cooking skills and focused more on choosing the right ingredients and how to shop in New York’s markets.           

The sexually indulgent “Boy Meets Grill” was his next project. This show pitted Flay’s cooking skills in front of a dozen beautiful women. For a half hour he would charm them with his knowledge of food and his zest for life. “BBQ with Bobby Flay” was project that was rushed my network executives trying to get “More Flay to the Public.” They stuck to the bread and butter and enjoyed moderate success but never reached the level of the previous shows.            

Flay was enjoying his success but wanted some competition. Was there any chef that could challenge his armada of culinary gifts? Enter “Iron Chef America,” the Thunderdome of cooking competition. This show would have Bobby Flay battle with up and coming chefs from around the globe as well as go against arch rivals Masaharu Morimoto and Mario Batali as well as others. The controversial rock crab battle between Flay and Morimoto is regarded as the greatest battle of all-time. Flay was the victor in a close match and gave Morimoto his first loss in a seafood battle (This remains his only loss till this day). At the end of the match Flay jumped on the cutting board and thrusted his fists to the sky in celebration. Morimoto and other Asians in attendance were offended by the gesture.            

Flay’s latest creation is “Throwdown with Bobby Flay”. This might possibly be his best work yet. This show matches Flay against the people who are particularly world renown for a specific dish or cooking type. One week Bobby might go against chowder specialist Ben Sargent and then the next week go against cheesesteak impresario Tony Luke. By the time you read this Flay will have at least one new show on Food Network.           

No matter what the outlet is, America can not get enough of Flay. For those of you who did not know who Bobby Flay was, I hope this has helped you in some way or at least made your life more colorful. If I could leave you with some words of wisdom, it would be this from the Bobby himself: “The recipe for a good life is simple. 2 cups of money, an ounce of fame, a dash of hottie wife, and a whole lotta love.”I couldn’t have said it better myself.   

Editors Note: Bobby hates lentils and fiddlehead ferns (he thinks they taste like grass)

3 Comments

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI