By: John The Violator
First off I would just like to say thanks for all of the support over the past couple of weeks. I appreciate all of the cards, booze, and money that you have sent to help me with my quest.
For those of you sitting there scratching your heads, I recently returned from Columbus, Ohio where I was competing in the National Air-Guitar Championships. It was my first time in Columbus or Ohio for that matter, but I am proud to say that I met some cool people, cranked up some killer tunes, and had a pretty good run of luck leading up to the finals.
Registration
Day 1 was basically spent registering and meeting the other contestants. You could tell that there was some talent in the crowd, but for the most part it was a bunch of jerk-offs and frat boys that thought that just by putting a Jackyl shirt and a pair of leather pants that they for some reason would be able to compete with the heavy weights. I didn’t say much to anybody on the first day. I figured that 20 of these people were going home on the second day so there was no use in making friends until at least the 3rd round.
The format for this event is a lot like American Idol, in fact The National Air-Guitar Championship is where the producers from AI got the idea for the show. Most people think that American Idol is a spin off of a British TV show that showcased England’s talented singers. I am here to tell you that story was fabricated by Simon Cowell to make it appear that he somehow is a good judge of talent. I am surprised that so many of you will believe anything that the Brits tell you. You should know that all of the talented artists from England sign contracts with American companies anyway… AMERICAN COMPANIES with balls and cocks, not English companies with accents and big teeth!
Round 1
Basically I sat on my ass for about 10 hours when finally my name was called over the loud speaker. “John The Violator” “John The Violator to the audition room”. I walked into the audition room and met the judges. Judge #1 was the one armed drummer from Def Leppard. I forget his name, but I will say that things definitely got awkward when I went to shake his hand and it wasn’t there. Judge #2 was Joan Jett, and Judge #3 was PGA Tour legend John Daly. John Daly was not only judging the competition, but he was also slated as this year’s Celebrity Bartender.
I pretty much smoked round 1. I air guitarred to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin” which is the song that got me through my State and Regional Tournaments. It is pretty much my ace in the hole. The Judges were all pretty impressed, except for the prick from Def Lep who didn’t like my “Two thumbs up crack”.
Round 2
Day 3 of the 7 day event was the second round of competition. We started out with 80 people in the first round and we were down to 60 before the start of Day 3’s festivities. Since I scored so highly in Round 1 I was picked to lead off Round 2, in which I was to perform a song of the judge’s choosing. My song was “Bad Company” by Bad Company which can be found on the album of the same title.
I won’t say that it was my best performance, but I looked up at the end of my performance and saw three judges rocking five fists, which was enough to get me through to Round 3.
Round 3
The crowd was whittled down to 30 contestants for Round 3. It was becoming obvious that I was the audience favorite. I was laying down chops and licks all over the arena, it seemed that the only thing that stood in the way of me and a championship trophy would be my own arrogance, or my lust for partying.
I woke up on the 4th morning and found John Daly passed out on the floor of my hotel room. I smelled like an Irish immigrant, and I was still wearing the lycra suit that I had shredded Bad Company in the night before. Oh Shit! I was going to have to make it through Round 3 with a hang-over, and I had to figure out how to get John Daly and his skank out of my room.
Not bowing down from the challenge I mixed up a Bloody Mary for Daly, drank a bottle of water, slapped on some Old Spice and went down to the auditorium to find out where I would be seeded for Round 3. I was somewhat delighted to see that I would be performing 28th out of 30 people on this day which meant that I had some time to recuperate before show time. John Daly minus his skank walked by me and gave me a shit eating grin. He raised his left hand with pinky and thumb extended to appear as if he were taking a drink from a bottle. I kind of chuckled, but didn’t want to laugh to hard for fear of puking.
I sat on a bench for nearly 4 hours trying to sober up and get back in the game. Round 3 was the “Audience Choice Round” and judging by the crowd that was seated in the auditorium it wasn’t going to be a cake walk. My name was called and I walked through the large set of oak doors and out on to the stage. John Daly must have smelt like Bigfoot’s dick, as at least 6 feet separated him Judge Jett and the One Armed Wonder. Joan Jett told me that I would be performing a Foreigner Medley consisting of “Double Vision”, “Hot Blooded”, and my personal favorite “Dirty White Boy”. Two things dawned on me at that moment, thing number one is that Foreigner kicks ass, thing number 2 was that I needed to be careful when doing my rock slides or I might literally leave skid marks on the stage.
Thanks mainly in part to John Daly who gave me a standing / staggering ovation, I easily advanced to Round 4 of the competition which was the round of 15.
Round 4
After a good night’s sleep I woke up refreshed to jam on Round 4. Round 4 or “The British Invasion Round” was going to be a breeze. I was able to pick my own song as long as the artist was British. I chose “Aqualung” by Jethro Tull. I figured it was the perfect song since it not only has a nasty riff which I have been jamming to since I was a child, but “Aqualung” was also the entry song to my dad’s bowling team “Jethro Bowl” in the mid 1990’s. My dad and his friends used to get shit-faced and put this song on loop when I was driving them home from a long night of gutter balls, gutter sluts, and well drinks. I detest that song, but it evokes so much emotion in me that it easily ranks in my top three air jams.
Na-now Na-now Na-nooow!!!! I slide across the floor in my cargo shorts wearing a sleeveless Joe Satriani t-shirt. I don’t even pay attention to the fact that I left a steaming pile of knee skin on the stage, I don’t give a shit that one of my shoes is untied, and my socks don’t match; I’m playing for keeps!
I faux rocked the J-Tull so hard that even if the band’s original drummer wouldn’t have gotten a sex change operation a few years back, his penis would have surely fallen off anyway. Needless to say I was given a Golden Ticket to Round 5.
Round 5
Round 5, which coincidentally was the home to 5 of the most hard rockinist air guitarists in the nation was probably the media event of the week. We had 4 journalists from 2 newspapers, and a magazine down in the hotel lobby interviewing each of us 5 remaining members. I was the crowd favorite, but the lone chick in the competition was getting most of the media buzz. Her name was Copenhagen Angel. She actually got her nickname because she is from Copenhagen, Denmark, not because she is a fan of the popular chewing tobacco company. Just a little side note, Angel was also John Daly’s skanky little friend, so it was no coincidence that she had made it to the finals. I figured it was only a matter of time before Daly sobered up long enough to vote her out of the competition and find another broad to bang.
After the media day, we went to the auditorium where we were going to be performing songs chosen by our competitors. We each drew a name and based on the name were allowed to choose any song for that person to perform. I drew the name Aaron Jones which was a good draw for me as he was probably my stiffest competition. Aaron is a spicy Irishman who due to years of ridicule has convinced himself that he is Norwegian. Not many people believe him, but he has made up his mind that will never reveal his true identity. I chose the song “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” by Gordon Lightfoot for him to perform. I picked the song because several of Aaron’s family members were also members of the crew that died when the ship went down in 75. I know that this is a dirty trick but all is fair in love and air guitar battles.
The song chosen for me was “Pour Some Sugar on Me” by Def Leppard. The song was chosen by Angel, whom appeared to be trying to get some one armed affection instead of the overweight sweaty sex she had been getting from John Daly all week.
I would have been alright had she picked Bryan Adams, Michael Bolton, or even another shitty Bad Compay classic, but I have problems with Def Lepp. Every time I try to rock to Def Leppard, I start one armed air drumming instead of rocking the invisible guitar. I can’t help it, it’s what I do.
Boom-boom Boom-boom-boom Chang! Boom-boom Boom-boom-boom Chang! The timeless drum beat of every post two arm drummer song ever written by Def Lepard comes over the PA. I am trying my hardest to focus on my air guitar, but I can’t block out the drum beat, I can’t block out the imagery of a man playing the drums with one arm.
I feel like Marty from Back to the Future when he is trying to play the guitar at his parent’s senior prom, but he keeps fading away because his mom wants to fuck him instead of his dad! I just give up! I start bashing the cymbals, I’m banging the snare, I’m pounding the tom toms. I’m a drumming machine, I’m….. I’m….. I’m…. Disqualified!
Son of a bitch!
In the words of Mr. John Daly “Better luck next year”.
Fin
