John The Viloator’s Spooktacular Halloween Spookstravoganza!

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 By:  John The Violator

Not many people know this about me, but a few years ago I was viciously molested.  I’m not talking about the nice kind of mild molestation that although uncomfortable can be enjoyable if you close your eyes and think of a happy place.  I’m talking about the kind of molestation that you can only find in Wisconsin, or parts of the deep south, you know,  that “go home and rock back and forth on the floor of your shower” molestation… Anyway here is my story.

Two years ago I was working at a popular burger joint in  South Minneapolis.  The place hasn’t been remodeled since the late 1970’s except for a couple of plasma screen televisions.  The booths, wall paper, bar, and menu are all original.  The place doesn’t have to change because it has been a staple in the neighborhood for almost 3 decades.  Since the late 1970’s this restaurant has won the award for the best burger in the Twin Cities.  There are fifty some plaques on the wall displaying all of the achievements of the past 30 years. 

 I had been hired there as a bus boy but quickly moved my way up to head “chef”.  I could sling burgers with the best of them, and I truly enjoyed doing so.  About 2 months into my tenure as Burger Chef, a strange lady started coming in and sitting at the bar next to my grill.  I never did get her name, but due to the subject content of her conversations I have referred to her as The Burger Groupie.  Burger Groupie wasn’t the cutest girl on the block and she had a slight drinking problem, but she seemed harmless and since she spent so much time at the bar, we quickly became acquaintances.  Burger Groupie used to say things to me like “I see all of YOUR awards on the wall”.  I would tell her that those plaques weren’t for me, but rather the restaurant as a whole.  I would constantly remind her that most of the awards were won before I was even born.  She would tell me that the chef is responsible for the success of a restaurant, then she would tell me that she liked the way that I looked in my apron.  I didn’t think much of it because Burger Groupie was always drunk and obviously like most women she had a small crush on me. 

 One day Burger Groupie came and sat at the bar next to my grill and began to rant and rave about how she would go home everyday and tweak her nipples thinking about me….. I know that this sounds strange, but for some reason at that moment I needed to enter the Burger Groupie.  I don’t know what it was about the way that she slurred the words “nipple tweak”, but something inside of me clicked.  I told her that she was in luck because I was in the middle of a pussy drought and I would love for her to be my slump buster. 

Later on that night, after my shift I went over to BG’s apartment to knock the bottom out of it.  We sat around for a couple of hours talking about nuclear proliferation and the world economy.  After we finished our bottle of wine she invited me into the bedroom where she laid me down on the bed.  She put a blindfold on me and went into the bathroom to slip into something more comfortable. 

I laid in the bed for what must have been 10 minutes and just as I was taking off my blindfold to find out what was taking so long I saw him!  Homeless Wayne Brady!  Homeless Wayne Brady is a homeless guy who looks like Wayne Brady.  Not a very clever name, but Homeless Wayne Brady wasn’t exactly deserving of a great nickname.  Before I could scream Homeless WB shot me with a poison dart that knocked me clean out. 

 When I woke up I was tied to an old radiator in the living room.  Burger Groupie and Homeless Wayne Brady were sitting on the couch naked eating fried chicken and laughing hysterically at me.  The were mocking me with comments like “Hey Burger Boy” and “Hold the pickles, Burger Boy” or my personal favorite “I said medium rare Burger Boy”.  

I didn’t know what in the fuck to do.  I kept thinking to myself that I had just come over to knock the dust off of some weird old chick and all of the sudden I am tied up in a small apartment.  I didn’t know how long I would be tied up, or if I would ever be able to see my family and friends again.  After about 2 days of being tied up, I decided that I needed to plan an escape.  I waited until HWB to go out to make his daily crack purchase and when he was gone I asked BG to turn up the heat on the radiator. 

 I had seen an old episode of MacGyver and I knew that if I heated up the rope that bound my hands enough I could burn through the fibers and release my hands.  After my hands were free I could untie my feet and get the fuck out of dodge. 

 I sat for what must have been 15 to 20 minutes.  I held my hands behind my back and raised the rope towards the grille of the radiator.  BG had been drinking all night and she stumbled as she came into the living room.  She was butt ass naked and her nipples were red from all of the nipple tweaking she had been doing for the past two days.  Her hands were greasy from the fried chicken that her and Homeless WB had been stuffing their mouths with.  She started talking to me and I tried to calm my excitement as to not give away my plan of escaping.  I tried to keep my mind off of the burning sensation that I was feeling in my wrists and hands as the radiator slowly burnt through the rope that tightly bound my arms behind my back.  I kept thinking about all of the fried chicken that they had been eating.  It was like they had the ghost of Colonel fucking Sanders in the kitchen doing nothing but mixin up his secret recipe.  My mind wandered and I thought to myself that this explained why she never ate a burger when she came into the restaurant. As I thought to myself the rope must have been burning becasue after about 45 seconds of day dreaming I felt a great deal of pressure release from my wrists. I didn’t want to get caught so I tried desperately not to separate my hands until BG left the room, or passed out. 

 BG sat on the couch for a few minutes throwing chicken bones at me, and making me stare at her taint, but eventually she got up to go to the bathroom.  For the past two days she had a case of the greasy chicken shits that could gag a maggot.  Luckily for me she usually spent the better part of a morning on the can.  I heard the bathroom door slam and I waited for the familiar squirt sound that signaled that she was in it for the long haul. 

I heard her moan and I reached my hands in front of my body and began to reach toward the rope that tied my feet together.  I quickly unbound my feet and made my final escape. 

As I ran down the stairs leading to her shabby 3rd story apartment I met HWB about half way down the first flight of stairs.  I could tell that he was cracked out, but I decided to stick him with a left cross as I ran by him.  I knocked him clean out and I watched as his homeless body fell down the stairs in front of me.  I opened the door and ran out into the street and took a deep breath of fresh air; I was free! 

 Eventually Burger Groupie and Homeless Wayne Brady were arrested and charged with their crimes against me.  I still can’t get the images of BG tweaking her nipples and HWB masturbating and eating chicken out of my head, but I am slowly but surely making progress. 

 -Fin

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National “Boss” Day

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By:  John The Violator

I have not historically been a huge fan of unnecessary holidays.  For instance, Valentines Day, United Nations Day, and Columbus Day all mean absolutely jack shit to me.  I don’t get the day off, I don’t get an excuse to see my family, and with the exception of United Nations Day, I don’t even have an excuse to polish off an 18 pack of coldies. 

With that being said, I just looked at my calendar and nearly shit my pants!  No, it’s not National Shit Your Pants Day (sorry Elting);  today is National Boss Day!  I didn’t realize that we had a holiday to give thanks and praise to the one and only Bruce Springsteen!  This is better than Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, and Boxing Day combined! 

In recognition of this great holiday I invite all of you to join in as I try organize a group of people to set a new World Record.  I would like to set the record for the World’s Largest Simultaneous Fist Rock.  At 5:15pm today I want all of you to crank the Springsteen hit(s) of your choice and fist rock until the wheels fall off.  I don’t care if you play one song, one album, or your entire Springsteen Library.  All I am asking is that you give Springsteen some fist love, after all hasn’t he earned some respect???? For the love of God he has his own fucking holiday!!! 

 Fin

Top 10 Product Slogans I’d love to see

By:  John The Violator

 10:  Preparation H – “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with us”.

   9:  Marlboro –  “You can’t live forever”

   8:  Volvo – “Douche bags wanted”

   7:  Depends Adult Diapers – “For those times when you just don’t feel like getting up”

   6:  O’Douls non alcoholic beer – “The ambiguously gay beverage”

   5:  Trojan Brand MAGNUM Condums  – “You fucking wish”

   4:  KFC – “This shit tastes just like chicken”

   3:  Viagra – “Trust us, you could break concrete with it”

   2:  Vagasil – “Making men cringe since 1973” 

   1:  Bud Light – “Come on, you’re not THAT pregnant”

Spotlight – Crazy About Crockpots

By:  John The Violator

 The beginning of Fall not only brings the changing of the leaves, and a familiar chill in the air.  If you are anything like me, the beginning of Fall also brings the return of one of my favorite hobbies, crock potting.  I have spent the past 3 or 4 years of my life searching high and low for a good crock pot book, and I believe I have found the best one on the market.  Penny E. Stone hits the nail on the head in her classic “Crazy About Crockpots”.  This book has something for everybody.  From deliciously health “Smokin Hot Southwest Turkey Chili” to her rich and creamy “Clap Your Tits Clam Chowder” this book is sure to please. 

 I don’t read many books, so when I do; it has to be a good one, and this is definitely just that “a good fucking book”.  

Please check out crock pots on the web at the following:

www.crockpots.com

www.sears.com/crockpots/kickass/fuckyeah.com

  

OMG!!!! WTF??

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By:  John The Violator 

These are the transcprits 2 phone calls made right before Owen Wilson was hospitalized for attempting suicide. 

 Owen’s Call to 911:

 911:  9-1-1 Emergency, can I help you. 

OW:  Wow, uuhhhm, wow.  I think I just tried to kill myself. 

911:  Holy $hi^, is this Ben Stiller? 

OW:  Uhmmm, wow, you know, I wish I was Ben Stiller, but no, uhhh this is serious.  I’m Owen Wilson and I think I just tried to commit suicide. 

911:  Luke Wilson? 

OW:  No, uhhhmmm Owen Wilson, the one that looks like Ellen. 

911:  From Wedding Crashers? 

OW:  Yeah, that’s me. 

911:  I totally loved Vince Vaughn in that movie. 

OW:  Yeah, that’s great, but seriously could I get an ambulance over to (address not released)? 

911:  Dude; You Me and Dupree was hilarious! 

OW:  Look, is there a manager on duty I could speak with? 

911:  What’s it like working with Jackie Chan? 

OW:  Hey, wow, uhmmm, if you don’t mind I am kind of dying over here…… 

911:  Is Will Ferrell as funny in real life as he is in the movies? 

OW:  Wow, uhmmm I am getting dizzy can I just get some help please? 

911:  We’ll get an ambulance right over. 

OW:  Wow, that would be great. 

This call was made just 7 minutes early to Owen’s long time friend and rumored gay sex partner, Vince Vaughn.

VV:  Hey beautiful baby! 

OW: (sobbing) Hey Vince…. 

VV:  Owen, what’s wrong baby?  This isn’t beautiful….. 

OW:  Vince, I’m gonna do it! 

VV:   Do What?  (Will Ferrell in the background)  DO IT!  DO IT! 

OW:  I’m gonna kill myself…. 

VV:  Just a second (Shut up Will this is serious)  Don’t do it man, your money. 

OW:  (still sobbing)  Really?  You really mean that Vince?  

VV:  For real, man, you are really really money. 

OW:  But what about, Zoolander, Wedding Crashers, Old School, Meet the Parents, Meet the Fockers, Shanghi Knights, The Royal Tennenbaums, You Me and Dupree, Starsky and Hutch, Night at the Museum, Armageddon, Rushmore, and The Cable Guy? 

VV:  First off, you weren’t in Old School, that was me, Will, and your brother Luke.  But what about them? 

OW:  Well, you, Ben, and Will are all so talented, and I have never actually starred in a movie.  Plus, Luke hates me.  I mean, seriously, my own brother thinks that I am a loser. 

VV:  Baby!  You’re money!  So what if you aren’t a leading man, there are plenty of great career co-stars.  Look at Ron Howard’s brother, he’s beautiful baby!  And so are you.  (Will Ferrell in the background) I YOU LOVE OWEN!  I LOVE YOU! 

OW:  Are you having a party? 

VV:  No, no way baby, I wouldn’t have a party and not invite you (shushing people in the background), Will just stopped by with some beer, and we are watching the Cubs, you know I wouldn’t have a party with out the “Big O”.  

OW:  Wow, I’m sorry Vince.  I just lost it there, wow…. You’re great, tell Will I’m sorry for all of this… 

VV:  Bada-bing Baby!  You’re money, now snap out of it.

Get well soon Owen.  We all miss you and America just isn’t America without a Wing Man.   

 

Bill and Susan Eckman

I recently ran across an article in Newsweek written about American Tourists that have been held captive in foreign prisons.  I normally get a kick out of these stories because in my opinion you have to be a complete douche bag to vacation in the Middle East let alone vacation in the Middle East while sporting an American Flag Fanny Pack. 

 Of course there are exceptions to every rule, and Bill and Susan Eckman are my exception.  You see, Bill was sent to Beirut as part of a special task force whose main objective was to rescue 28 American citizens that were taken hostage while they were on board a cruise ship in the Atlantic Ocean.  I know what you are thinking and it does sound a lot like 1986 hit “Delta Force” starring Chuck Norris and Lee Marvin, but you are wrong.  

 Any who; while Bill was in Beirut trying to rescue these hostages the American Convoy that he was a part of accidentally left him behind.  Bill’s task force was able to rescue the hostages, but they didn’t realize that Bill was missing from the group until everybody was back on American soil. 

 Susan begged the government to send out another expedition to try to locate and rescue her husband, but her begging and pleading fell on deaf ears.  To show her love for her husband and the country that abandoned him, she decided to take matters into her own hands.  Long story short; Susan hired a group of Cuban engineers to develop and construct her an amphibious 1973 Cadillac Coupe de Ville in which she would travel to Beirut to save her husband. 

 She successfully made it to Beirut and was able to locate her missing husband.  Bill and Susan were attempting their escape from Beirut when the water pump on the Caddy malfunctioned.  Of course as some of you may know it is nearly impossible to find a water pump for a 1973 Cadillac Coupe de Ville when you are stranded in Lebanon (it would be like trying to find wheel bearings for a 1993 Volvo 240 DL in Japan).

 Bill and Sue were captured by militants and are being held hostage in Beirut for a reasonable ransom.  Since the United States government already blew their Beirut Travel Budget trying to rescue the first group of hostages they are unwilling to pay to return Bill and Susan Eckman.  This is where you fit in.  For the small price of $14.99 you can bring Bill and Sue home.  I will be selling these T-Shirts the proceeds from which will be directly deposited into the FREE Bill And Susan Eckman fund.

 This is a picture of the shirt that I will be selling.  It comes in sizes Small – XXXL

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Please mail checks or money orders sorry no cash 😦  to:

FREE BASE

c/o John The Violator

2889 Stewart Ave.

St. Paul, MN 55116

Top 10 Things That We Would Love to Put in President George W. Bush’s Ass!

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By:  John The Violator Featuting Mr. Stunt Fingerz

10.  A pineapple

9.  Our Fists (All 4 at one time)

8.  A Steve Largent Bobblehead Doll

7.  A Volvo 240 DL

6.  His own administration’s Domestic Spying Program

5. Dick Cheney’s pacemaker

4.  Condi Rice’s “Caveman-esque” forehead

3.  The entire 1972 USA Olympic Swim Team, including Mark Spitz and all nine of his Gold Metals. 

2.  A “Don’t Mess with Texas” coffee mug filled to capaticy with piping hot coffee.

1.  The not yet released “Ken and Ken Gay Wedding Playset” From Mattel

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